Vows

Week 10

It is easy to look at pop culture as a gateway to understanding relationships, love, and marriage. It is typical to compare our life to what we see in TV or the movies.


In the last week, I saw a couple things that reminded me of vows. One is the Big Bang Theory premier (spoiler alert) where Leonard and Penny get married. Pay careful attention to Leonard's vows:

  
Whitney was sitting right next to me as we watched this intriguing TV couple finally tie the knot. The first thing she said after Leonard spoke was spot on - "those aren't vows." Penny's were more like a vow, but they were a little lame.

Saying romantic things to your partner, reciting poetry, or proclaiming how much you love them is NOT the same thing as a vow. Those are all great things to say, but a vow goes way beyond that. A vow is a promise, an oath, to your partner. People will sometimes write their own vows. Most often, people use the traditional vows. Whitney and I went with traditional vows. 

A few days after watching Leonard and Penny, Whitney was watching a movie on TV called The Vow. If you have already seen it, jump to the next paragraph. If you haven't let me give you a quick synopsis. Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum's characters get married. They get in a car crash and Rachel loses her memory. Her memory of Channing is completely gone. The rest of the movie involves Channing try to build a relationship with her all over again. It came with many challenges as you might assume. 

The part that I want to share is their wedding vows at the beginning of the movie (before the accident):

Now THOSE are vows. As you watch the movie, you will see how Channing's character has to work his butt off to live out those vows. He made a promise to his wife and is not going to let it slip. The movie is actually based on a real story, which makes it a little more moving to me. 

Remember your vow to your wife. It isn't dependent on how you feel, what kind of day you have, or what life circumstances you are in. A vow to your spouse involves a daily commitment. A vow is a commitment of actions to make to your wife. Unfortunately, millions of couples have forgotten their promises. Divorce is just an easy out. But couples that take their vows seriously will make it for the long run.

P.S. If you haven't watched The Vow, I recommend watching it with Lindsy sometime.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Husband vs Dad

Week 9

As I type this, I am hours away from becoming a father for the fourth time. It has me thinking about a very important lesson I have learned. 

Being a dad is an unbelievable joy. But before I was a dad, I became a husband. Long after our children grow up, move out, and start their own families - I will still be a husband. 

Our children are our priority. They are a responsibility that God has blessed us with. I love being a dad. I try to give my kids as much of myself as I can. 

The lesson I learned is that I will always identify myself as a husband. Before we became parents, we were a couple. Some marriages become stale and can only identify themselves as "mom and dad" while forgetting that at one point they were super in love. Whitney and I haven't become a couple that only identifies ourselves as parents. 

We raise our children to leave us. One day, Elle and Skye will find a new man that captures their heart. I will take a step back. Matthew and Wil will find a woman to become the new top priority in their life. Whitney will take a step back. At that point, we will have each other. We have invested in our marriage even while having a house full of kids. When they do grow up and leave us one day, we won't be looking at each other wondering what to do. We will be sad our kids have gone. But because we have always identified ourselves as husband/wife first and dad/mom second, I have no worries about a stale marriage in the empty nest years.  

You may have children before you know it. Or it may be a few years. Either way, continue to invest in your wife. When you become parents, don't forget that you were husband and wife before "mom and dad." That will last a lifetime. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Not Even a Hint...

Week 8

"But among you there must not even be a hint of sexual immorality..."

     - Ephesians 5:35

One of the best ways you can honor your spouse, yourself, and your God is with your character. A big part of character is how you act in times when you think you can "get away with it." But like scripture suggests, don't even let a hint get in. 

One thing that men have been getting away with from the dawn of time is what they talk about when the wife is not around. When guys get together, it usually gravitates to talking about women really quickly. Whether it is women you know, celebrities, or a stranger walking down the street - it is pretty common conversation for men.

I work with guys that talk about other women when given the chance. These are good guys. Some are longtime Christian guys. These are also married guys. I think there should be no room in a married man's heart to "look, but don't touch." No room for sarcastic or inappropriate comments about women. The way we talk about other women may never directly get back to your wife. But those thoughts and comments come with a price. It opens the door of a man's heart to consider things that they shouldn't. 

I'm not perfect. I certainly have looked a little too long or had thoughts in my head that were unpure about other women. I'm sure every guy is guilty of that. 

It takes a constant effort to honor my wife, myself, and my God. That means keeping tabs on wandering eyes. Not turning back the channel. Not participating in certain talks with friends and co-workers. Trying to do whatever I can to not even let a hint get in. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Compromise...

Week 7

"Compromise is for lesser souls."

"Compromise is for the weak."

"Compromise is when both parties are unhappy."

     - Google Search auto-fill

Compromise is such an interesting idea. Above are some of the common searches after you start "Compromise is..." into Google. I'm sure they all have some level of accuracy depending on the situation.

Sometimes compromise can be viewed as a mutually beneficial thing. Wars come to an end. Long contract disputes get settled. A family finally agreeing on a vacation destination.

Compromise isn't always good. It isn't good to compromise on our character or values. Those kinds of compromises leave individuals, couples, and families in disaster of epic proportions.

In marriage, I have found compromise to be useful in all kinds of ways. If only viewed negatively (like some of the quotes above), both parties will be bitter. But when compromise is viewed as a positive thing, it is a healthy part of marriage.



Whitney and I make compromises with each other (knowingly and unknowingly) often. She probably compromises more than I do (shame on me), but over the years I have learned from her. I have learned to let go of my wants and look for ways to make her happy. Compromise isn't going to always be 50% of what you want and 50% of what she wants. That is impossible. Often it will be taking turns giving up 100% of what you want in order to make the other person happy. 

Often our compromise involves really mundane things - like agreeing on a movie, ice cream flavor, pizza toppings, or what TV show to watch when the kids are in bed. Other times our discussion leads to a compromise with bigger issues: time management, decisions with the kids, financial decisions, healthy lifestyle choices, and much more. 

When one person always gets their way, it is very destructive. Marriage becomes a dictatorship. When both people are always fighting to get their way, a power struggle defines the marriage. Neither of those are characteristics of a long, healthy marriage. 

When you compromise, both people should feel like the other is sacrificing for them. Sacrifice and selflessness are key to compromise. And those are also key to a great marriage. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage