Resolutions

Week 21

I am not one to make New Year's Resolutions. I'm not against them or against anybody who does. It just isn't something that I have put much value in. For some people, it works really well. Either way, it is important for all of us to strive for goals. We should aim to be better. 

For me, I can aim to have goals to improve myself as a husband, father, teacher, coach, friend, and disciple of Christ. I don't usually make a list, but once in a while I ought to. Recently I met with Uncle Kenny (as myself and all of the teaching team members do twice a year). We talk about life - work, family, and ministry. What is going well. What needs improvement. 

Since this blog is all about marriage, let me focus on that aspect of resolutions. Every marriage resolutions would look different. For me, I will try to be more present in my wife's presence. Not to be as distracted by other things (work, technology, sports, etc.) when we do have alone time. While watching the movie Home (which we watch a ton), I notice a song by Rihanna (voice star of the movie) called Only Girl. "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world." For me, that is a resolution I have for myself. To treat my wife like she deserves. So that Whitney will feel special and loved always. 

As you reflect on your young marriage, maybe you can come up with one goal for how to improve as a husband. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

In Sickness and in Health...

Week 20

Nobody likes being sick. Everyone deals with sickness in their own way. Some are pretty independent and can handle it themselves. Others are incredibly dependent and want someone to take care of them. I think of Sheldon Cooper (soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur) in cases like that. 

We declared in sickness and in health with our wedding vows. When your spouse is sick, it can be an inconvenience. Maybe your plans have to change. You have to stay home instead of doing something you long had planned. Or just a general inconvenience of taking care of a sick person when that isn't really your thing. 

How we treat our spouse when they are sick tells them a lot about the extent of our love. I am amazed by spouses that are excellent care takers with a husband/wife with serious kinds of illness or injury. There are viral stories on the Internet that will touch your heart. I would like to think I could do the same with Whitney if such a time called for it. But if I can't be faithful to her with "little" sickness, I am not practicing well for any major trial. Practice taking care of her well with the small stuff. Then if some kind of tragedy strikes, you will have good practice loving her in sickness and health.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Pregnant Wife

Week 19

One thing I have spent a lot of time with is a pregnant wife. Whitney has been pregnant for approximately 180 weeks of our marriage (about 3 and half years). Every woman handles pregnancy differently. Every woman handles each of their pregnancies differently. I would be a fool to suggest there is a simple process for how to properly support a pregnant wife. But here are some tips I have learned from experience:

1. Tell her she looks beautiful...even more than you did before she was pregnant. When your wife is pregnant, she isn't always going to be happy with the way she looks. Putting on weight, feeling uncomfortable, and a lack of sleep will have a big impact on her. As you have learned, a woman's perspective on their looks has as much to do with how they feel as it does with how they look. When they feel lousy, they think they look lousy. When they feel great, confidence is booming. Help that confidence soar with compliments. She is carrying your child. She is the most beautiful woman in the world! Let her know...often. 

2. Get her what she wants...within reason. Late night snack, massage, foot rub, in control of picking the movie, etc. In most marriages (at least I know it is true in mine), the woman is usually more giving than the husband. It is usually the woman who is more likely to serve, give in, wake up early to make breakfast, cook dinner, let the other one pick the date night, etc. During these 40 weeks, there will be times she really wants something...maybe even demanding. Within reason, try to please her as much as you can. Happy wife...happy life. Happy mom...healthy baby. 

3. Don't take things too personally. Her emotions and hormones are all out of whack. It is tempting to take everything personally. Sometimes, this can lead to anger outbursts, lots of crying, saying words she doesn't mean, etc. Give her a break. Give yourself a break. Try not to take all things too personally. I don't think a husband should just let himself be a punching bag. But when tempers and emotions have chilled, talk about it. There might be something you can do to help the situation - words you say, words not to say, walking into another room, making her something

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Holiday Decisions

Week 18

As we are in the season of the holidays, it becomes clear that these can be crazy times. They can be fun. They can be stressful. They are certainly busy. Trying to please your spouse, your family, your in-laws, etc. is not something easy to accomplish.

Time is the biggest obstacle. It is good to communicate and plan out how your time will be spent in the holiday season. Every family is different so there isn't one right way to handle it. Some level of compromise is going to help. Thankfully, Whitney and I have come up with ways to see both sides of the family. It makes for a busy time, but we think it is important for us to make time for both sides. Some families (especially as the family grows) find two Thanksgivings on the same day to be too stressful. They shouldn't do it. The best advice is to communicate with each other about the options and make a final decision that both you and your wife can be satisfied with.

Aside from how you spend your time, holiday traditions is another thing that comes up in marriage. Whitney always opened up gifts on Christmas Eve. I didn't really like doing that. Whitney's family was very big on the idea of an unwrapped "Santa gift." I never really thought about that. I like to always make room for church on Christmas Eve. Whitney's family was always enjoying dinner, presents, etc. during that time. Whitney's family is real big on gifts. I am not as big of a gift person.

We had a lot to figure out in terms of traditions. Should our kids believe in Santa? Why or why not? When do we open presents? When do we go to church? How do we incorporate the real meaning of Christmas into our traditions? How to decorate the tree? When to go shopping? How many presents to buy?

Whitney and I had to talk through all of these things. Some of it is still fluid and changing. Most of it has remained consistent. We know what works for us and that is the most important thing. But without talking about it (including some spirited discussion, negotiation, and compromise) - that wouldn't have happened. Because we did all of that, the holidays are much, much better. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Love & Respect

Week 17

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it...and the wife must respect her husband."

     - Ephesians 5:25 and 5:33

One of the most popular marriage book/video series out there is called Love and Respect. It is a Christian ideal on marriage that encourages men to love their wives...and women to respect their husbands. Easier said than done sometimes.

A lot of marriages fail because both people fail at those simple, yet challenging concepts. When things aren't going well, the man is tempted to hold back love from his wife. That could be a lack of "I love you", ignoring physical touch, losing the romantic side, etc. 

On the other end, a wife will hold back her respect when the marriage becomes a little rocky. She might even be able to justify it, but that is no excuse. Harsh words, speaking down about her husband in front of her friends, and showing a lack of respect in his presence. 

When a man feels he isn't respected by his wife, he doesn't usually want to show her love. When a woman feels she isn't loved by her husband, she will not respect him. This can be like a "chicken or the egg" scenario.

It doesn't matter what came first. What does matter is that it stops. It would be nice if both people can realize that. But usually it starts with just one person. The husband, even when respect hasn't been given lately, can be the bigger person and offer love to his wife often. Or the wife, even when love hasn't been given lately, can be the bigger person and give her husband respect...even if it hasn't been earned.

Either way, the crux of marriage often goes back to love and respect. Love your wife and she will respect you. It is often as simple as that. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Date Nights

Week 16

"Date night is the time to rediscover each other and let the rest of the world go on without you."

     - Elise Stephens...sheknows

One of the signs of a long and healthy marriage is when the two people actually enjoy spending time together. Planning time with each other is easy and fun when you are dating. It should still be easy in the early time of being married before kids. But as time goes by (and kids enter the picture), setting time aside for just the two of you is not as easy as it once was.

Right now it is pretty easy to prioritize time together. But eventually life (work, family, friends, commitments, etc.) can distract us from scheduling date nights. Whitney and I haven't always had the time, money, or sitters to go out on dates. But we do what we can when we can. It has really helped our marriage stay fresh. 

Having routines may work for you. Or maybe not. I worked with somebody at Progressive that was very creative in their anniversary dates. Every year on their anniversary, they went to a restaurant they have never been before. Some people get creative in where they go, what they do, and even who they go out on dates with (double dates still count). It helps bring some spontaneity in the relationship.

This piece of advice is probably more beneficial in several years than it is today. But don't get too relaxed even though you may have more time now than you will after you start having a family. Enjoy your time together now...a family will be here before you know it!

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Dreams

Week 15

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

     - Elanor Roosevelt

The last post was all about sacrifice. Unless the dream jeopardizes the marriage, a husband and wife should never have to sacrifice their dream for one another. When we have God-given dreams, it is the duty of a spouse to help support their significant other's dream. 

I have achieved my dream job(s) (teacher and coach) while also knowing I have a calling in ministry. Whitney was a great support to me in all of these areas. At times, it has required (and still does) time away from her and the family. Her support has helped me achieve my dreams. 

Whitney has a few big dreams in life. One she has definitely reached - and that is being a full-time mom. That requires some sacrifice (financially) on our family, but it is well worth it. Another goal/dream involves personal health and fitness. I haven't always been the best supporter with that since I am not interested in joining her on that journey. A third is a career as a doula (birth coach). And a fourth is to be involved in missions. In her teenage years, Whitney felt a calling to be involved in international missions. I haven't been the most supportive in here dreams. She needs my support in all kinds of ways. 

One way I can support her is with my words. Encouraging her and trying to help her stay motivated in her goals is a great way to show I care about the things she cares about. My support can also be some level of sacrifice - time or money. It takes time and money to achieve our dreams. If I hold that back from her (which I sometimes do), I am sending a message to Whitney that what I want is more important than her dreams. 

Be mindful of your own dreams as well as Lindsy's. Do your best to support her in those dreams...even if it costs you something. Don't give up on your dreams and don't forget to encourage Lindsy in hers. 

Sacrifice

Week 14

"When you make a sacrifice in marriage, you're not sacrificing to each other...but to unity in the relationship."

     - Joseph Campbell

Love and sacrifice are often linked together. There is good reason for that. Any commitment of love involves a level of sacrifice. Marriage is no different.
Marriage involves a sacrifice of self. This is done for the greater good..."so the two may become one." We won't ever completely lose our individual identity, but I think we sacrifice the view that I am more important than her. I sacrifice the view that I am more important than us. 


What should be sacrificed in marriage? One thing is time. In order to build a healthy marriage, sometimes there is no better asset than time. Giving up time for "me" in order to put in time for "us" will go a long way. For some, that means changing hours at work (or changing jobs). It could mean sacrificing a hobby. Giving up one of your routines in life to make room for something that is more valuable.  

Aside from sacrificing time, it might be sacrificing stuff. If our toys and stuff get in the way of building a healthy marriage, it might be time for a change. 

Sacrifice goes along well with the love languages. For some marriages, quality time is the most important love language. Sacrificing time is key. For others where gifts are important, it might be sacrificing a purchase for yourself to instead buy a gift for your spouse. If it is words of encouragement, it might be sacrificing sarcasm and negativity in order to make your spouse happy. If it is physical touch, sacrificing your comfort to make the other person happy is what needs to happen. 


Spend some time thinking about what (if anything) needs to be sacrificed in order to strengthen your marriage. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Love Language

Week 13

A few years ago, Whitney and I read a book as part of a parent book study called The Five Love Languages for Children. There are many variations of the original book, The Five Love Languages (geared at marriages), written by Gary Chapman. I have never read the original, but some of the same components are in the book we read. The purpose of these books is to understand how people give and receive love in different languages.

The main five love languages (according to Champan) are gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service. Chapman believes all people have a primary love language, although many people are strong in multiple languages. 

As this relates to marriage, it is important to know and understand the primary way your spouse receives love. Because we understand ourselves more than anybody else, we are most tempted to give the kind of love that we prefer to receive. Our spouse probably won't have the same love language as us, so giving what we prefer won't be received as well as other kinds of love. 

Whitney's love language is words of affirmation...thankfully it isn't gifts (I'm too cheap to marry that kind of wife). Her love tank is most full when I build her up with words, notes, texts, etc. On the other end, I bring her down most when I neglect to do that...or worse, when I use my words to tear her down. Whitney does appreciate other languages of love, but it is important that 

For me, quality time and acts of service are at the top (I know, I was only supposed to pick one). So Whitney knows she fills my love tank best when she does something for me...makes dinner, gets me a treat, cleans up, etc. These kinds of actions show me that I am important and that she loves me. 

Spend some time to know and cultivate Lindsy's love language. And if you haven't done so yet, make sure she knows what your love language is. Then neither of you are wasting time, energy, money, etc. trying to show the other person love in a way that isn't so important to them.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Hero

Week 12

"Let me be your hero..."

     - Enrique Iglesias

Alright, a flashback to 2001. Our high school days. No smart phones. No Facebook. But we did have great things like Napster and TRL. And of course, Enrique Iglesias and "Hero." The idea of the song is great. The concept in the music video is not exactly what I have in mind when it comes to being a hero.

A hero has all kinds of definitions in our culture. We have super heroes, guitar heroes, NBC's Heroes (and Heroes Reborn), and even Mr. Hero. Sometimes the term is thrown around too loosely. Other times it isn't used enough. There are many heroes in this world. One person I want to be a hero for is my wife. 

John Elderidge (author of Love and War, a book I referenced in earlier entry) wrote a book called Wild at Heart. In this book, he believes men are defined by three main passions. One of those is the desire to have a "beauty to rescue." 

“Deep in his heart, every man longs for a battle to 

fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.” 

-  John Elderidge, Wild at Heart

This is why Wil wants to be a knight and "rescue" the princess. This is why young men dare to save a damsel in disstress. This is why TV shows and movies create plots where a man will stop at nothing to rescue and protect the love of his life. But it isn't enough just to "do" the hero things once in a while. We need to "be" the hero...each and every day.

When Whitney is having a difficult moment or day...she needs a hero to come alongside her. Sometimes I just give her a hug when she needs it. A shoulder to cry on. An ear to listen to. A prayer to offer. I haven't ever had to "save" Whitney from any kind of physical danger, but I know if the moment came I would be ready. 

A hero sacrifices himself for others. A hero loves fearlessly. A hero does the right thing no matter the cost. A hero is an ordinary individual with extraordinary love and dedication. 

A hero prays for his wife. A hero takes the fall to help his wife save face. A hero lets his wife know that she is desired and loved. A hero will do whatever it takes to preserve the love between himself and his wife.

Be her hero. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Thankfulness

Week 11

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

     - 1 Thes. 5:18

A couple years ago, Whitney came across a book called "A Thousand Gifts." The author is a Christian woman who challenged herself to come up with a thousands things she was thankful for. The book included her journey of thankfulness.

This book inspired many of her readers to come up with similar lists of 1,000 things to be grateful for. These range from the big things (family, spouse, health, job, children, etc.) to the overlooked things (sunshine, sounds, laughter, etc.)  People do other similar kinds of lists - often in November. I remember Lindsy making a list like that on Facebook a while back.

Being thankful in all areas is a great way to live your life. It will keep you centered on what really matters. Thankfulness will lead to joy. 

It is important to be thankful in your marriage...to be thankful for your spouse. This should include telling your spouse what you are thankful for. Be specific. Be honest. It might include making a list. This list could be a self-reminder that is used to help improve your attitude. Or it could be a list that you give to your wife to let her know of all the ways you are thankful for her. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage