One year...

Week 47

One year goes by, and many things have happened. We learn a lot after one year in marriage. One thing we learn is that we are still learning about our spouse. And we definitely have a lot to learn about marriage after the first year.

After one year, Whitney and I were adjusting to changes in jobs/school, adjusting financially, starting a family, and still trying to make room to keep our relationship a priority.  

In honor of one year together, here are some common things that come to mind when I think of hopes and dreams a couple would have for their future. 

One year...the honeymoon phase will be over
One year...we will have kids (already on top of that)
One year...we will get our dream house
One year...our lives will finally slow down
One year...our kids will grow up 
One year...we will grow old 
One year...our marriage will be great

Some of those things are only possible with time. Others are possible with hard work, dedication, and love. We can get caught up thinking too much about the future. It is great to plan ahead, but enjoying the moment is special. Enjoy the present!

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Forgiveness

Week 46

"Love means never having to say you're sorry" - that would be a quote from the biggest idiots ever. Show me a married person that believes that and I will show you someone who will not be married very long. 

We all fall short and screw up. When it involves someone else, some level of damage has been done to that relationship. Forgiveness is the only logical path to restoration of that relationship. Saying the words "I'm sorry" or "Can you forgive me" will go a LONG way in marriage. Whitney and I try to never say "It is OK" - because it rarely is OK. Instead, we should look for forgiveness rather than simply writing it off as being OK. 

Jesus taught us that forgiveness is essential to relationship. This is especially true in a marriage. Next time you blow it, don't be too stubborn to say sorry or ask for forgiveness. And on the other end, never hold back forgiveness to Lindsy. She deserves it just as much as you do. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Loving your spouse with kids in the house

Week 45

The transition from “married” to “married with children” can be tough. Less sleep. Tighter budget. Busier schedule. As much as you love your children and work hard to nurture and train them for the future, the challenges that come with parenthood can make the “for better or for worse” promise a hard one to honor. - Patrick and Ruth Schwenk

The inspiration for this post comes from an article  titled "How to love your spouse with kids in the house." No, it isn't an article on how to "make love" when kids are in the house (there are probably other articles on that). 

The focus is on building a marriage that is not centered around your kids. It isn't centered around your careers. It isn't centered around you...or her. With God at the center of a marriage, loving your spouse will not be an issue. 

The timing of this (considering you just had a baby) is either really good or really bad. On the one hand, it is good to know early on that your marriage can not become focused on your child/children. But on the other hand, you both are rightfully feeling overjoyed by the beautiful miracle in your arms. And you should feel that way!

But as time goes on, you will learn that if you try to make your marriage child-centered, it won't work out well for anybody. Keep God at the center of your marriage. In doing so, you will be a good husband and a good father. Never let your desire to be a good parent overshadow the desire to be a good husband.

Read the article and you will find some good nuggets!

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Pray for Her

Week 44

I'm not shy, embarrassed, or afraid to pray out loud with or for people. Do I pray as much with my wife as I should? No, not at all. It is just a bad habit of not doing it. 

But when the going gets tough, you can bet that we come together and pray. Those times we come together and pray over a situation is always powerful. It's amazing that I don't take initiative to do it more often.

Some of the best advice I would give to any couple of faith is to remember to take time to pray together. At meal time is nice. Before you go to bed (especially if you had a big fight) is not an easy time, but very rewarding. When one of you or someone you both know/love is in need of healing, come together and pray. When your marriage is on the rocks, what could be better than praying for your spouse and marriage?

Keep God in your marriage though prayer and your marriage will be blessed.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Independence

Week 43

On Independence Day, here are some thoughts on independence. After nearly a year in marriage, you should have seen an adjustment in the "independence" you have. Bachelors get the glory of independence, right? Late nights out. No accountability. No questions. No problems...right?

The flip side to independence is the idea of being dependent. In a marriage, both people become dependent on one another. This should be in an unhealthy way, but in the way God intended. "It is not good for man to be alone" (Genesis). God knew man needed a companion. Someone to be dependent on. And someone the woman could depend on.

Independence is nice, but is overrated compared to the beauty and sanctity of a life in deep commitment and relationship. Those bachelors that go from date to date never might experience independence, but they miss out on all of the good that comes with marriage. Don't regret losing your independence. You gain dependence: someone you can depend on and someone that can depend on you. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Wife in Labor

Week 42

I have had the privilege of watching my beautiful wife go through labor and delivery four times. Each time is special and unique. But there is nothing quite like the first time. 

My job was to be as supportive as she allows. In some labor/delivery, I have been very involved. At other times, Whitney has needed her space or she needed someone else instead of me. As someone with "Jack" syndrome (as in LOST Jack), I love the idea that I can save the day and fix everyone - especially those I love. When Whitney needs other people instead of me, it isn't always easy. But deep down, I understand. Of course the doctor/midwife is not someone I am interested in replacing. The best thing a husband can do for a wife in labor is simple: do whatever they want.

The joy of seeing a new life was just as beautiful of a sight as seeing my wife tire and labor through the process. I am so thankful for her dedication, energy, and strength during labor/delivery. Husbands need to let their wives know how thankful they are for the physical sacrifice (blood, sweat, and tears) of the mom-to-be. 

Hold your baby tight, but give your wife plenty of love and attention as well. She will be preoccupied with being a mom, but she will also appreciate your attention to her.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Wedding Season

Week 41

Since Whitney and I have gotten married, we have attended our fair share of weddings. Along with focusing on the current bride and groom, it is easy to look back on your own wedding and reminisce. 

Sometimes we find ourselves comparing (for better or worse) or even thinking about things we wish we had done differently. Whitney is usually the one thinking about that. But all in all, you can't change your wedding. It is over...for better or worse. The most important thing about a wedding is that it is the springboard for the marriage.

Rather than falling into the trap of celebrating "the day" too much, try to instead focus on celebrating the marriage. Reminisce about your special day but also celebrate where 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Money

Week 40

Wow, I can't believe I have gotten this far and haven't addressed money. Fights over money and finances are one of, if not THE biggest factor in the war on marriage. How much we make, save, and spend are usually hot button issues.  

When Whitney and I took a financial class together early in our marriage (Financial Peace), it was pretty helpful. It is difficult to follow all of the aspects of the class, but nobody said it would be easy. Our lives have fallen away from those good habits. That probably explains why money often becomes a hot button. Whitney and I have very different personalities as it relates to money. That sets up for the occasional clash.

The best advice I can give in terms of money is to talk often about it - what are your plans for a budget? How to pay off debt? Priority of saving versus spending? If things ever hit the fan, I highly recommend doing a financial class together so you can be on the same page, no matter what your personality is.

As I said, most marriages that fall apart do so because of financial reasons. Try to nip that in the bud before it starts by being on the same page. If you aren't on the same page, do whatever you can to make that happen.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Pick your battles

Week 39

Marriage isn't always pretty. It is often a battle. Sometimes you are doing battle together and sometimes you are doing battle against one another. Sure, there are (hopefully) plenty of great victories. I know from experience that some of these battles are inevitable. Something that I have learned along the way is that picking your battles is super important to preserving a healthy marriage.

You need to know when something is worth bringing up. The best "defense" is to not be in the battle at all. Avoiding triggers and buttons that stir up unnecessary battles is the key. Certain topics eventually become taboo. There is almost no good way to discuss them. Others can be discussed - but only in the right time and environment. Be smart about that. 

Communication is key. It will do the marriage no good to hold on to bitterness. Being open is good. But picking your battles is very valuable. Some differences might always remain unresolved. But as long as it is the "small stuff," there is no harm in that. 

Before you start your next fight, ask yourself if it is worth it. Choose your battles wisely. And always remember that your spouse is NOT your enemy.  

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Beauty

Week 37

Some women don't like to admit it, but deep down this is true of almost all of them - their perception of how they feel about their outward beauty often defines how they feel about themselves. What a burden our females have. Some of that is pretty natural. A lot of it is culture. 

What can we do about this? As husbands? As fathers? As husbands, it is super difficult to think we can do enough to help change this perception our wives have. What we CAN do is help them to see the areas of beauty that WE see. It won't be enough to say that real beauty is on the inside ("that is just something ugly people say" - Liar, Liar). Your wife needs to know that you know she is beautiful - no matter what season of life she is in. Unfortunately, the opinion of one man (even a husband) isn't good enough to give a woman the kind of confidence we hope she would have. But it certainly helps.

See her beauty in her looks...but in more than just HOW she looks. Beauty in her pregnancy. Beauty in her service. Beauty in her heart. Beauty in her laugh. Beauty in her smile. 

If words of affirmation are her thing, this will go a LONG way. But even if they aren't her number one love language, every woman wants to feel beautiful and desired. In a culture filled with pressure on women, a marriage needs to be a safe place for a woman to feel beautiful and express that beauty to her husband. When she is teased, put down, or she catches you having a head turn toward a younger, thinner, more beautiful woman (even if it a quick look) - that does damage to her soul that is hard to undo. And this will lead her to holding back her beauty from you. That is devastating to a marriage.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Don't Hold Back

Week 36

Nobody has the perfect spouse. None of us are anywhere near perfect. Problems will arise. Personality differences, preferences, and emotions can lead to all kinds of conflict. 

One thing that I have learned in my own marriage (and from the failures of others) is the value of being open and honest about the things that bug you. If we spend all of our "complaining energy" on discussing the issues of our spouse with our friends - we are doing lots of damage to our marriage. 

Instead of telling everyone else about your problems, we need to bring up our issues with our spouse. We still need to craft these carefully and in the right mindset. Don't bring it up when you are angry or with wrong intentions.

The point of having a "good" fight is to come out stronger in the end. Remember, your spouse is not your enemy. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

The Hardest Thing...

Week 35

Marriage isn't easy. One thing that doesn't make it easy is the vulnerability. Many of us are pretty guarded, so this idea of completely opening up yourself (mind, body, and soul) to another person can be a challenge.

One thing that makes me vulnerable is admitting when I am in the wrong. I pride myself (key word - PRIDE) on feeling like I am right a high percentage of the time. But there are definitely times I know I am in the wrong. And even some times I don't necessarily think I am in the wrong - but I still have to suck up some pride and admit fault.

Asking for forgiveness and admitting you are wrong is one of the hardest things about any relationship. Doing this in a marriage is incredibly critical to the health of the marriage. Our stubbornness can get in the way. But that stubbornness will get in the way of a deep and stronger marriage. Don't let it.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Soul Mates?

Week 34

I believe that God brought Whitney into my life. She is "the one." But I am not convinced that God cares SO much about every marriage that he only created one perfect person for everyone. Marriage and love is never going to be perfect. That is because WE are not perfect. 

It isn't just about finding your soul mate. Marriage is about loving the person you have chosen. In good times and bad. In sickness and health. When you have those "feelings" and when you don't. Marriage is a vow...a commitment. Give it your all!

I read something interesting on the world of Facebook. Here is a portion of it: 

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown. 

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Cheerleaders

Week 33

Personally, I hope my daughters NEVER become cheerleaders. I will do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn't happen. But there is something that comes sort of natural with many young girls that makes them want to be a cheerleader. Is it the outfit? The attention? The friendships? The jumping and dancing? I don't know. But whatever it is, there are a lot of them out there.

Male cheerleaders aren't looked on too fondly by most guys. But the college cheerleaders are incredibly ripped and they get to be up close and personal with some good looking girls. Not the worst place to be. 

In general, men are not natural cheerleaders. We are better at complaining, being pessimistic (or realistic as I see it), making a game plan, and problem-solving. I have found that in marriage, my wife needs me to be a cheerleader for her at times.

She needs to know I have her back and can encourage her no matter what. It doesn't come natural to me, but I know it is so important to Whitney to have words of encouragement - even when everything inside of me wants to say what I "really" think. 

Fight the urge to be negative. Use uplifting words when she is trying something new or working toward a difficult goal. Be a cheerleader...for her and for your marriage.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Don't push the button!

Week 32

Whatever you do - Don't push the button!!

I am a button pusher. Always have been, always will be. It started when I was young. Cory's temper had so many buttons, it was just so easy to push them. 

I wouldn't say I was a big button pusher with everybody, but certain people made it very tempting. Even as a dad, I know how to push buttons. I will do it on occasion. Wil has some big buttons and they are easy to push. I know, bad dad. But I'm here to talk about being a husband.

I learned early on that Whitney was not someone who liked to be teased - especially in public. Poking fun at the expense of Whitney really tears her down. I guess nobody really "enjoys" being teased, but some have thicker skin than others. Some just like any attention. Not Whitney. In order to make/keep her happy, I have learned to use self control - especially in public. When it is just the two of us, I do tease her once in a while. But in that setting, it isn't a huge deal.

She has her angry buttons. I know how to make her go from a little mad to very angry. I have to respect and love her enough to don't push that button! 

And then there are buttons that make Whitney cry. I am guilty of pushing that button (very intentionally) a couple of months ago. I know it was wrong. I knew she would cry when she said it (although I knew it would be an overreaction, and in her normal state of mind - Whitney would agree it was an overreaction too). Thankfully, I don't really push that button more than a few times in our marriage. 

So whatever you do - don't push the button!

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

In moments like this...

Week 31

The past 10 days or so has been a tough time. Losing a friend that you have known for so long is not easy at all. It drains on you emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The emotions of grief can cause us to act out in ways we normally wouldn't. For some, it can leave you short-tempered. Stressful situations rarely bring out the best in people. But we can't forget that our spouse is NOT our enemy. 

Along with Brian's funeral, you and Lindsy both have had to deal with several family losses on both sides since you have been together. During these times of grief, this is such an important time for the other person to know you have their back.

When the loss is more on one side, grief is mostly only felt by one person. The person in grief needs to do their best to offer support in whatever way helps them. People deal with grief in all kinds of ways. One person needs to be strong for the other. 

There will come a time when you have a loss that pretty equally affects both of you. For Whitney and I, it was the miscarriage. In times like that, it is hard for one person to be strong. The way we felt after the miscarriage was two broken people just leaning on one another. Thankfully, the support of others makes a huge difference. In times like that, just being together to embrace and cry together is all you can really do. But sometimes, that is all you need.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Birthdays

Week 30

People like to celebrate (or not celebrate) their birthdays in all kinds of ways. Considering we are right in between you and Lindsy's birthday, now is a good time to write about how birthdays can matter in a marriage.

My birthday comes at a strange time with it being a romantic holiday. I like people recognizing my birthday in some way, but I don't need presents (aside from Chipotle gift cards) or anything. Having a special dinner with family is a nice touch. But what I like for my birthday is not necessarily how Whitney likes celebrating. In her family, birthdays are a BIG deal. So I have to put forth some extra effort to make sure I can help that continue in her life. What I like on my birthday is not the same thing she cares about on hers. 

The best way to celebrate your spouse's birthday is by doing the obvious: making them happy. Don't try to do for them what makes you happy on your birthday. This ties back in to the love languages idea. You are two different people. Does she want a card? A big present? Flowers? Date night? Hanging out with friends/family? A quiet night at home? Whatever it is - make it happen. Make it special. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Work and Marriage

Week 29

I love my job. It doesn't mean I love every day of work. In general, I love my career. Contrary to what some might believe, a teacher's job is pretty busy. I find myself doing work at home or staying late in my classroom often during the year. This means time away from other things - including my wife. 

It is important to know that Whitney supports me in my career. It is also important for me to do the same for her when she is ready to work outside the house. Even though I do enjoy what I do, I love time with Whitney much more. But I do have a responsibility to do my job well. That involves a level of sacrifice on both of our parts. I know Whitney has my back. It is important that I have her back too as she someday pursues a career as a birth coach. 

A healthy balance of investing in your career while never letting it jeopardize your marriage is important. If/when a career gets in the way of building a healthier marriage, a change must be made. Nothing related to your job is more important than your spouse. Don't ever let her question where your passion really lies. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Expectations

Week 28

It is very typical to have expectations heading into a marriage.  We have an idea in our minds of how our spouse will act, what they will do for us, what we will do for them, what the roles will be, etc. Expectations are normal - but they can lead to holding your spouse or marriage to an unfair standard.

When our spouse doesn't meet those expectations, frustration sets in. Those frustrations lead to bitterness and making "agreements." 

One of the worst things that happens with expectations is when they aren't shared or communicated. When a husband has certain expectations for the wife to uphold (and he doesn't tell her what those are) how could she possibly meet those? And the same is true if the wife doesn't communicate to her husband. 

I think it is healthy to talk to each other about expectations. Together, you can discuss whether an expectation is reasonable. If we desire to please our spouse, meeting some of their expectations is a great way to show your love. But trying to meet all of their expectations is unreasonable and unhealthy. Find a balance that works for both of you. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

A Shared Adventure

Week 27

One of the important parts of marriage that is in the book Love & War is a chapter called "A Shared Adventure." The concept of being on adventure together is really easy for some couples that are already adventurous individuals, but very foreign for most couples. 

When you think of adventure, each person could come up with their own list as to what that looks like. It might be mountain climbing, vacationing, a shared purpose, taking a class together, working out together, a hobby that binds you, etc. 

This is a challenge for Whitney and I. Early in our relationship, one of our "shared adventures" was getting to play tennis together. It might not fit into every one else's idea of an "adventure," but it worked for us. Right before we got engaged, Whitney and I went together on a mission trip to Guatemala. That was certainly a shared adventure that we will never forget. The most recent shared adventure is our journey in church planting in Chesterland. 

Some adventures are purely fun. Some are hard work. Others are mission-based as we focus on our faith. 

It gets harder to do this once distractions (career, kids, personal interests) get in the way. Try to make it a priority of your marriage to find some kind of adventure you can do together. This ties into the idea that "we're in this together." That is an important part of marriage. The adventure itself and the memories you make along the journey will build your marriage into a stronger one. Don't lose a sense of adventure. And don't forget to walk on some adventures together. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Celebrate!

Week 26

People like to celebrate and party it up. Your 6-month-iversary!!! Time to celebrate! Well, at least acknowledge it. Maybe go out to dinner or something. Give her a little card or gift if you feel so inclined. 

Be happy about your first half year as husband and wife. Sure, it is like the first step in a later reflection of a long marriage...but in the present it represents 100% of your marriage. Be thankful together for all that has happened.

After 6 months of marriage, Whitney and I had a LOT of learning to do...hey we still do. But we have come a long way from that point. Kids obviously impact that. But there is more to it than just them. 

Anniversaries are an easy way to stop and reflect. Think about what you have learned during this time. Learn from your mistakes by "failing forward." Continue to do the things that worked. Celebrate mini victories. Be thankful for more opportunities to be a part of one of God's greatest gifts to us: holy matrimony. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Don't Make Agreements

Week 25

The headline of this entry sounds strange, right? It all comes down to the definition of the word, agreements. In the book Love & War (book I have referenced earlier), there is a very thought provoking part in there about agreements. These "agreements" described in the book refer to the temptation to proclaim a destructive truth. The authors get into the very deep and spiritual aspect of this. They call these agreements "subtle, but momentous shift where we believe the spin, go with the feeling, and we accept the reality that the deception is spinning." Sin, temptation, Satan, our own desires, etc. are all a part of this.

I definitely struggle with making agreements about others, myself, and my marriage:

"Whitney will never change about ________." 
"This house will always be a mess."
"Whitney must be deliberately doing this!"
"That student of mine is an #$%$#. Always will be."

Whether it is about Whitney, myself, my job, kids, etc. - all of these agreements are destructive. If I find fellow negative people to confirm these agreements, that will make things even worse. There is no faster way for a marriage to fall apart than for someone to find a "friend" who will "agree" with agreements that have been made. Don't ever fall into that temptation. 

Do your best to refuse the temptation to make agreements. These are lies. This does not come from love. Always remember - your spouse is NOT your enemy. Selfishness, anger, pride, etc. - these are your enemy. 

When you catch yourself making agreements, pray about it. Confess it. Maybe even to Lindsy if you think it won't do more damage than it is worth. But most of all, fight these agreements with thankfulness. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Because I Said I Would...

Week 24

This week we had a young man named Alex Sheen visit our school to speak at an assembly. He is the lead of a non-profit called "Because I Said I Would." Sheen's story is that he lost his dad a few years ago to cancer. He wanted to honor his dad and his ability to be a loyal, promise keeper. Sheen has inspired hundreds of thousands of people to make and keep promises. Sheen's movement sends out these cards to anyone who wants them. The idea is that you write a promise on a card, possibly give this card to someone you are making the promise to (or someone who can hold you accountable), and then the card would get returned to you after you fulfilled your promise. 

Promises are an important part of marriage. The vows are an integral part of the marriage ceremony. Making a promise is pretty easy. Fulfilling that promise is what counts. Many people make promises for all kinds of reasons. Broken promises are too much a part of our society. Look no further than divorce rate. 

Small promises and big promises are a regular part of life. Promises to employers, friends, family, etc. Our promises to our spouse are the most important on earth. Keeping your word will go a long way. When you want to show your love to Lindsy, think very carefully before you promise her something.  Make these promises count.

If you have 17 minutes, watch this TED talk of Alex Sheen and Because I Said I Would. It will bring some inspiration about loyalty, character, and keeping promises in your marriage and in all areas of your life. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Teamwork

Week 23

It might be just a team of two, but it is essential for a husband and wife to be a team in all areas. Just like a two-person team in volleyball needs to know their role, be in sync, and constantly get their partner's back - a husband needs to do the same thing for his wife.

This is especially true as the two work together as parents. Making decisions together. Communicating values. Talking about how to best raise the children. She needs to know you have her back just as much as you need her your complete respect and support. Whitney and I just spent some time this evening talking about different strategies about raising our kids. She went to a mom's group today and she took notes on some things she learned. In order to be more successful parents, our team requires using the same rules and playbook. 

Aside from being a team as parents, there are plenty of other opportunities to be a team: Keeping up with the home. Taking care of pets (glad I don't have any of those). Being on the same page in regards to finances. Team trumps the individual. We know that this whole marriage thing requires a lot of cooperation and teamwork. Don't forget it.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Your Spouse is Not Your Enemy

Week 22

Last year, Whitney and I participated in a very cool marriage group. We read and studied the book Love and War. I referenced this book in an earlier entry. One powerful (yet seemingly obvious) statement in the book is "your spouse is not your enemy." Seems simple enough, right?

But how many times do we start to believe and act like they are the enemy? It starts with a difference of opinion. That slips into a disagreement. Which turns into a fight. Which can lead to all kinds of problems in all areas of your marriage. In the heat of the moment, we can be tempted to believe that our spouse is trying to make our life miserable. They are really trying to be our enemy. Removed from a heated situation, we know that can't be true. But that simple idea can be a powerful phrase to repeat to yourself when things are going badly. She is not my enemy. 

The other day I was dealing with a lot of built up frustration with Whitney. I was not happy with some of the things she was doing or not doing. It was driving me nuts. That built up frustration led to a bitterness that I really didn't like. But we talked about it in bed that night and I was able to let go of that bitterness. Whitney reminded me of the phrase we gained from that book: Your spouse is not your enemy. It helped to be reminded of that. And it is so true. Remember those words when you are having "a moment."

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage