Wedding Season

Week 41

Since Whitney and I have gotten married, we have attended our fair share of weddings. Along with focusing on the current bride and groom, it is easy to look back on your own wedding and reminisce. 

Sometimes we find ourselves comparing (for better or worse) or even thinking about things we wish we had done differently. Whitney is usually the one thinking about that. But all in all, you can't change your wedding. It is over...for better or worse. The most important thing about a wedding is that it is the springboard for the marriage.

Rather than falling into the trap of celebrating "the day" too much, try to instead focus on celebrating the marriage. Reminisce about your special day but also celebrate where 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Money

Week 40

Wow, I can't believe I have gotten this far and haven't addressed money. Fights over money and finances are one of, if not THE biggest factor in the war on marriage. How much we make, save, and spend are usually hot button issues.  

When Whitney and I took a financial class together early in our marriage (Financial Peace), it was pretty helpful. It is difficult to follow all of the aspects of the class, but nobody said it would be easy. Our lives have fallen away from those good habits. That probably explains why money often becomes a hot button. Whitney and I have very different personalities as it relates to money. That sets up for the occasional clash.

The best advice I can give in terms of money is to talk often about it - what are your plans for a budget? How to pay off debt? Priority of saving versus spending? If things ever hit the fan, I highly recommend doing a financial class together so you can be on the same page, no matter what your personality is.

As I said, most marriages that fall apart do so because of financial reasons. Try to nip that in the bud before it starts by being on the same page. If you aren't on the same page, do whatever you can to make that happen.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Pick your battles

Week 39

Marriage isn't always pretty. It is often a battle. Sometimes you are doing battle together and sometimes you are doing battle against one another. Sure, there are (hopefully) plenty of great victories. I know from experience that some of these battles are inevitable. Something that I have learned along the way is that picking your battles is super important to preserving a healthy marriage.

You need to know when something is worth bringing up. The best "defense" is to not be in the battle at all. Avoiding triggers and buttons that stir up unnecessary battles is the key. Certain topics eventually become taboo. There is almost no good way to discuss them. Others can be discussed - but only in the right time and environment. Be smart about that. 

Communication is key. It will do the marriage no good to hold on to bitterness. Being open is good. But picking your battles is very valuable. Some differences might always remain unresolved. But as long as it is the "small stuff," there is no harm in that. 

Before you start your next fight, ask yourself if it is worth it. Choose your battles wisely. And always remember that your spouse is NOT your enemy.  

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Beauty

Week 37

Some women don't like to admit it, but deep down this is true of almost all of them - their perception of how they feel about their outward beauty often defines how they feel about themselves. What a burden our females have. Some of that is pretty natural. A lot of it is culture. 

What can we do about this? As husbands? As fathers? As husbands, it is super difficult to think we can do enough to help change this perception our wives have. What we CAN do is help them to see the areas of beauty that WE see. It won't be enough to say that real beauty is on the inside ("that is just something ugly people say" - Liar, Liar). Your wife needs to know that you know she is beautiful - no matter what season of life she is in. Unfortunately, the opinion of one man (even a husband) isn't good enough to give a woman the kind of confidence we hope she would have. But it certainly helps.

See her beauty in her looks...but in more than just HOW she looks. Beauty in her pregnancy. Beauty in her service. Beauty in her heart. Beauty in her laugh. Beauty in her smile. 

If words of affirmation are her thing, this will go a LONG way. But even if they aren't her number one love language, every woman wants to feel beautiful and desired. In a culture filled with pressure on women, a marriage needs to be a safe place for a woman to feel beautiful and express that beauty to her husband. When she is teased, put down, or she catches you having a head turn toward a younger, thinner, more beautiful woman (even if it a quick look) - that does damage to her soul that is hard to undo. And this will lead her to holding back her beauty from you. That is devastating to a marriage.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Don't Hold Back

Week 36

Nobody has the perfect spouse. None of us are anywhere near perfect. Problems will arise. Personality differences, preferences, and emotions can lead to all kinds of conflict. 

One thing that I have learned in my own marriage (and from the failures of others) is the value of being open and honest about the things that bug you. If we spend all of our "complaining energy" on discussing the issues of our spouse with our friends - we are doing lots of damage to our marriage. 

Instead of telling everyone else about your problems, we need to bring up our issues with our spouse. We still need to craft these carefully and in the right mindset. Don't bring it up when you are angry or with wrong intentions.

The point of having a "good" fight is to come out stronger in the end. Remember, your spouse is not your enemy. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

The Hardest Thing...

Week 35

Marriage isn't easy. One thing that doesn't make it easy is the vulnerability. Many of us are pretty guarded, so this idea of completely opening up yourself (mind, body, and soul) to another person can be a challenge.

One thing that makes me vulnerable is admitting when I am in the wrong. I pride myself (key word - PRIDE) on feeling like I am right a high percentage of the time. But there are definitely times I know I am in the wrong. And even some times I don't necessarily think I am in the wrong - but I still have to suck up some pride and admit fault.

Asking for forgiveness and admitting you are wrong is one of the hardest things about any relationship. Doing this in a marriage is incredibly critical to the health of the marriage. Our stubbornness can get in the way. But that stubbornness will get in the way of a deep and stronger marriage. Don't let it.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Soul Mates?

Week 34

I believe that God brought Whitney into my life. She is "the one." But I am not convinced that God cares SO much about every marriage that he only created one perfect person for everyone. Marriage and love is never going to be perfect. That is because WE are not perfect. 

It isn't just about finding your soul mate. Marriage is about loving the person you have chosen. In good times and bad. In sickness and health. When you have those "feelings" and when you don't. Marriage is a vow...a commitment. Give it your all!

I read something interesting on the world of Facebook. Here is a portion of it: 

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown. 

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage