Soul Mates?

Week 34

I believe that God brought Whitney into my life. She is "the one." But I am not convinced that God cares SO much about every marriage that he only created one perfect person for everyone. Marriage and love is never going to be perfect. That is because WE are not perfect. 

It isn't just about finding your soul mate. Marriage is about loving the person you have chosen. In good times and bad. In sickness and health. When you have those "feelings" and when you don't. Marriage is a vow...a commitment. Give it your all!

I read something interesting on the world of Facebook. Here is a portion of it: 

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown. 

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Cheerleaders

Week 33

Personally, I hope my daughters NEVER become cheerleaders. I will do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn't happen. But there is something that comes sort of natural with many young girls that makes them want to be a cheerleader. Is it the outfit? The attention? The friendships? The jumping and dancing? I don't know. But whatever it is, there are a lot of them out there.

Male cheerleaders aren't looked on too fondly by most guys. But the college cheerleaders are incredibly ripped and they get to be up close and personal with some good looking girls. Not the worst place to be. 

In general, men are not natural cheerleaders. We are better at complaining, being pessimistic (or realistic as I see it), making a game plan, and problem-solving. I have found that in marriage, my wife needs me to be a cheerleader for her at times.

She needs to know I have her back and can encourage her no matter what. It doesn't come natural to me, but I know it is so important to Whitney to have words of encouragement - even when everything inside of me wants to say what I "really" think. 

Fight the urge to be negative. Use uplifting words when she is trying something new or working toward a difficult goal. Be a cheerleader...for her and for your marriage.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Don't push the button!

Week 32

Whatever you do - Don't push the button!!

I am a button pusher. Always have been, always will be. It started when I was young. Cory's temper had so many buttons, it was just so easy to push them. 

I wouldn't say I was a big button pusher with everybody, but certain people made it very tempting. Even as a dad, I know how to push buttons. I will do it on occasion. Wil has some big buttons and they are easy to push. I know, bad dad. But I'm here to talk about being a husband.

I learned early on that Whitney was not someone who liked to be teased - especially in public. Poking fun at the expense of Whitney really tears her down. I guess nobody really "enjoys" being teased, but some have thicker skin than others. Some just like any attention. Not Whitney. In order to make/keep her happy, I have learned to use self control - especially in public. When it is just the two of us, I do tease her once in a while. But in that setting, it isn't a huge deal.

She has her angry buttons. I know how to make her go from a little mad to very angry. I have to respect and love her enough to don't push that button! 

And then there are buttons that make Whitney cry. I am guilty of pushing that button (very intentionally) a couple of months ago. I know it was wrong. I knew she would cry when she said it (although I knew it would be an overreaction, and in her normal state of mind - Whitney would agree it was an overreaction too). Thankfully, I don't really push that button more than a few times in our marriage. 

So whatever you do - don't push the button!

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

In moments like this...

Week 31

The past 10 days or so has been a tough time. Losing a friend that you have known for so long is not easy at all. It drains on you emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The emotions of grief can cause us to act out in ways we normally wouldn't. For some, it can leave you short-tempered. Stressful situations rarely bring out the best in people. But we can't forget that our spouse is NOT our enemy. 

Along with Brian's funeral, you and Lindsy both have had to deal with several family losses on both sides since you have been together. During these times of grief, this is such an important time for the other person to know you have their back.

When the loss is more on one side, grief is mostly only felt by one person. The person in grief needs to do their best to offer support in whatever way helps them. People deal with grief in all kinds of ways. One person needs to be strong for the other. 

There will come a time when you have a loss that pretty equally affects both of you. For Whitney and I, it was the miscarriage. In times like that, it is hard for one person to be strong. The way we felt after the miscarriage was two broken people just leaning on one another. Thankfully, the support of others makes a huge difference. In times like that, just being together to embrace and cry together is all you can really do. But sometimes, that is all you need.

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Birthdays

Week 30

People like to celebrate (or not celebrate) their birthdays in all kinds of ways. Considering we are right in between you and Lindsy's birthday, now is a good time to write about how birthdays can matter in a marriage.

My birthday comes at a strange time with it being a romantic holiday. I like people recognizing my birthday in some way, but I don't need presents (aside from Chipotle gift cards) or anything. Having a special dinner with family is a nice touch. But what I like for my birthday is not necessarily how Whitney likes celebrating. In her family, birthdays are a BIG deal. So I have to put forth some extra effort to make sure I can help that continue in her life. What I like on my birthday is not the same thing she cares about on hers. 

The best way to celebrate your spouse's birthday is by doing the obvious: making them happy. Don't try to do for them what makes you happy on your birthday. This ties back in to the love languages idea. You are two different people. Does she want a card? A big present? Flowers? Date night? Hanging out with friends/family? A quiet night at home? Whatever it is - make it happen. Make it special. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Work and Marriage

Week 29

I love my job. It doesn't mean I love every day of work. In general, I love my career. Contrary to what some might believe, a teacher's job is pretty busy. I find myself doing work at home or staying late in my classroom often during the year. This means time away from other things - including my wife. 

It is important to know that Whitney supports me in my career. It is also important for me to do the same for her when she is ready to work outside the house. Even though I do enjoy what I do, I love time with Whitney much more. But I do have a responsibility to do my job well. That involves a level of sacrifice on both of our parts. I know Whitney has my back. It is important that I have her back too as she someday pursues a career as a birth coach. 

A healthy balance of investing in your career while never letting it jeopardize your marriage is important. If/when a career gets in the way of building a healthier marriage, a change must be made. Nothing related to your job is more important than your spouse. Don't ever let her question where your passion really lies. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage

Expectations

Week 28

It is very typical to have expectations heading into a marriage.  We have an idea in our minds of how our spouse will act, what they will do for us, what we will do for them, what the roles will be, etc. Expectations are normal - but they can lead to holding your spouse or marriage to an unfair standard.

When our spouse doesn't meet those expectations, frustration sets in. Those frustrations lead to bitterness and making "agreements." 

One of the worst things that happens with expectations is when they aren't shared or communicated. When a husband has certain expectations for the wife to uphold (and he doesn't tell her what those are) how could she possibly meet those? And the same is true if the wife doesn't communicate to her husband. 

I think it is healthy to talk to each other about expectations. Together, you can discuss whether an expectation is reasonable. If we desire to please our spouse, meeting some of their expectations is a great way to show your love. But trying to meet all of their expectations is unreasonable and unhealthy. Find a balance that works for both of you. 

It is easy to fall in love

It takes work to plan a wedding

It takes a lifetime to build a marriage